Who hasn’t experienced a source of conflict in the workplace? Not to mention situations where, as a customer, we have felt the effects of a conflict between employees? On both sides of this equation, the impacts are sometimes devastating.

Last month, my colleague was talking about the manager’s responsibilities in the event of a conflict. Now I will address this topic to offer tools to all team members affected by such situations.

Conflicts can arise when viewpoints differ and concerns seem incompatible. The faster a disagreement is addressed, the more easily it will be resolved to everyone’s satisfaction. When a conflict is drawn out, it grows, and each party only sees the negative side of the other. And there comes a point when a situation becomes difficult to salvage.

There are several theories to manage and resolve conflicts. The ones I am presenting here are simple and based on the practice of authentic communication between individuals. I have selected two approaches I would like to share with you.

1st approach: Four agreements you can personally honour and that can change your discussions*:

1. Let your speech be impeccable: Speak without criticism, prejudice or fault. State only what’s essential. Your speech allows you to manifest your intentions: you can create a dream or generate chaos. A word can change a life or destroy it. For your speech to be impeccable, you must therefore not use it against yourself. For example, calling someone stupid may seem like you are using your words against the person. But in reality, you are using it against yourself because the other person will not like you for making the comment.
2. Don’t make it personal: You are not responsible for what others do or say. In fact, this is a projection of their reality. When you take everything personally, you are like a sponge, which makes you an easy target, a victim. You strive to show you are right by imposing your opinion on others. Or, you take on the role of rescuer to try to save a situation or a person.
3. Don’t assume: We all tend to make assumptions about everything, and what’s more, we believe they are true. Ask questions and really express what you want. Communicate clearly to avoid misinterpretations. Don’t assume that everyone sees life the same way you do, or that they think like you or feel the same way you feel—it’s just not true! Before assuming that someone doesn’t like you, ask them.
4. Always do your best: Your best can change from one minute to the next, depending on your mood. Try not to struggle to do more than your best, because then, you’re expending more energy than necessary. But if you do less than your best, you run the risk of falling into self-judgement, regret, abuse and guilt. Whether you’re tired, irritated or sick, if you always do your best, it will be impossible for you to be judgemental with yourself. The first three agreements only work if you are doing your best!

2nd approach: The boxes theory**:

This approach will let you get out of the “boxes” and position yourself to see others like human beings with needs, worries, fears and hopes that are just as real as yours (heart at peace). Or it will let you be fully conscious that, when you stay in the boxes, you tend to see others as insignificant objects that represent obstacles or negative sources (heart at war).

After identifying which box(es) you are in, the next step, of course, is to get out. You do this by concentrating on the relationship in question, and not on the details of the situation. What are the other person’s challenges, fears? What do you really feel about this person? At what level can you “reach” them? What are you prepared to do to improve the relationship?

Your challenge will be to stay outside the boxes. This will let you listen better and increase your learning, which will also enrich the other members of your team.

What these two approaches have in common is that they encourage you to “see” your relationship rather than staying stuck in the event that is causing the tension. So next time you are in a position of conflict or in a difficult situation, ask yourself if what you are going to say will bring you closer to this person, or further away from them.

*Source: The Four Agreements (A Toltec Wisdom Book), by Don Miguel Ruiz

**Source: The Anatomy of Peace, by The Arbinger Institute

I invite you to leave your comments,

Christine Lecavalier, certified coach